So much to say with so few words to compose my wild thoughts. July 4th I began painting our living room. It took seven days to complete this project. For seven days I painted and prayed. I even wrote a post about how I was thankful I got my prayers in for whatever storm lay ahead.
Now it is the middle of September. This is my birthday month. Fall has come. September is always my favorite. As I look back over the rest of July, all of August and the first few weeks of September I am beginning to see what the prayers were for. They were for me. Not for any great storm or any huge trial. They were for the inner struggle of recognizing who I truly am, acknowledging who I really want to be and the dissonance between the two.
I have been reading Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist. I am almost finished with it. I have every intention of returning to the first sentence the second the last sentence has been read. This woman is living my life. No actually Shauna’s heart peers at her life the same way that mine does. I have learned so much about myself, about my theology, about love.
Near the end of the book she talks about earning love. She doesn’t feel that others have to earn her love, but she does feel that she has to earn the love from others. Shut. The. Front. Door.
That is me.
I am an earner. My husband and I were having a conversation about this yesterday. He said, “That is a terrible way to think. You shouldn’t do that.” This caused tears to come. Through sniffs and rumpled tissue I said, “I know that is what I am trying to tell you. I am slowly discovering how to undo this, but at times it is a slow process, and that can be discouraging.”
Finally I said, “I need you to say something.” He gently replied with, “That is a really good thing that you are beginning to recognize it and finding your way through it.”
Thus there have not been very many words on the blog because I have been finding my way through it. I have been making an effort to be present in the very moment I am in and I am still processing all that is around me and how it is changing.
One thing that has becoming shockingly clear in this season, is it is more important to be a really good friend, than to be a really good writer. Daily I have been making the choice to put my friends first over my writing. Friends are beautiful and messy. Truly time consuming in the best kind of way. As I weighed these two options of time with my friends or writing; I let friendship push over the writing.
Because I am an earner in love, it felt very bad letting Monday after Monday go by without a blog post. Then Thursday would roll around and I still hadn’t put any words on a page. But my friendships were thriving. I was connecting with friends far away. I was connecting with my husband as his friend and life companion. My son and I would race off to Chuck E. Cheese for an hour and play as many tokens as we could. I felt like a person again. I hadn’t even realized I wasn’t feeling like a person, but my soul was dry.
For the past few weeks I have had this question over my kitchen sink, “What is restorative to me?” I honestly didn’t know. But now I do. Being a true friend to the people in my everyday world is what is restorative to me.
What does this mean for the blog? I don’t know. Writing helps me be whole as well. So I will let you know when something is posted. But for now, my friends are going to get my regular Monday and Thursday times.
How are your friendships? Do your friends know they are important to you? Be sure and let them know how much they mean to you.